Encouraging your husband in ministry

The church planter/pastor is the one who is supposed to encourage others, but what do you do when your pastor is discouraged and you just happen to be married to him?

I wanted to share a few thoughts on encouraging our pastor/husbands.

1. Pray for him. I start with this because I think it is most important. I wanted to pray for my pastor/husband, Richard, but didn't know exactly what to pray. I read Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Wife, and found all kinds of things to pray about - many things I would have not thought about (prayers for him to be kept from temptation, prayers for his friendship, his finances, his health, and on and on). I pray the Bible prayer at the end of the chapter, put a bookmark there and move to the next prayer the following morning. What a powerful force we can unleash in our lives when we pray!

Once when we were going through a rough situation at our church, I prayed that morning for God to encourage and help Richard that day. That evening he told me that he opened a magazine that morning and the first article talked about discouragement. Then a friend came by and prayed with him. I was amazed at how God had encouraged him.

2. Listen to him. We all need someone to listen -without judging us. It took me awhile to learn this, but my hubby usually didn't need my advice - he just needed me to sit and listen and sympathize. I like to call what he does venting. Have you ever noticed that men need to vent? In the beginning, I told him how he should feel (Honey, you shouldn't feel that way; she was only trying to be helpful...), but I learned that he opened up a lot more if I kept MY mouth shut and just listened. Enough said...

3. Don't criticize him. Some may disagree with me, but I decided early in our ministry that I was going to be his cheerleader. I didn't want him to dread getting in the car every Sunday only to hear a litany of his mistakes. I figured there would be enough people who would correct him if he did it wrong. Again, I didn't realize how much self-doubt men have. Am I a good pastor? Am I a good husband? Am I a good father? Am I.... Hearing those magic words "I believe in you" can give men the confidence to keep going even when they fail.

Having said that, I do occasionally slip into my "Holy Spirit Junior" mode and feel like I need to correct him. There are times to honestly talk about things, but it should never be done in haste and without clear leading from God. I've found praying does a lot more good than I could ever do with my nagging/whining/complaining.

And did I mention, never speaking against him or correcting him in front of others? I heard a pastor telling a story and his wife kept interrupting him to make sure he was telling it just right (No, honey, it was Tuesday night instead of Thursday night! No, remember we were driving the Buick, not the Mustang). Ephesians 4:29 says that our words should build up (edify). It's refreshing to hear one spouse compliment and not tear down the other!

4. Meet his physical needs. When hubby/pastor comes home from a stressful board meeting, what could help "de-stress" him better than a good meal, a massage and sex? God gave us the gift of physical intimacy which can make our marriages stronger, happier, and more fun!

I realize this blog is getting too long... must close before you start drifting off.

Peter Drucker said that being a pastor and a church planter are the two hardest jobs in America. So I'm guessing that being married to someone in those jobs is not going to be easy. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves and our pastor husbands to do what we can, but this is God's work - the battle is the Lord's!

Share with us ways that you think ministry wives can encourage their husbands.

I love spring!

For the past week, I can't stay indoors. It looks like someone woke up the earth as the trees and flowers are blooming. This is my azalea bush in the front yard. It all looks beautiful! (Someone with allergies might disagree with this picture being beautiful HA)

It is easy to take these things for granted – but have you ever thought about how great God is to think all this up and then keep it going on and on? The leaves fall off in the autumn and fertilize the ground while the trees remain dormant. They rest during the winter (doing something important, I’m sure). Then in the spring, the trees come to life again. They bloom and then make leaves and provide shade for the hot summer months. Then as it cools off, the leaves fall off again and the cycle continues. Who tells them to do this? WOW! I can see God’s hand in this – (especially after learning more about what is really happening inside a leaf).

All of this beauty shouts- GOD IS AMAZING! GOD IS CREATIVE! GOD IS POWERFUL! Look up and praise Him for the works of His hands!

God, You are amazing, powerful, and creative. I stand in awe of all that You have created in this world. I stand in awe because Someone so great still knows me and loves me. Thank you.

The heavens declare the glory of God and the earth shows His handiwork. Psalm 19:1

Living Life on Purpose

First I want to say thank you to the many calls and cards and expressions of sympathy we received after the death of Richard's youngest brother, Brian. We were totally shocked to get the phone call that he had died of a massive heart attack. We left Nashville immediately to be with the family in Huntsville - about two hours away. It's unbelievable how quickly life can change!

I had just finished reading the book, One Month to Live by Kerry and Chris Shook, just the week before we heard about Brian. It was a challenge to live your life - doing the things that you would do if you knew that you only had one month to live. Things like genuinely loving others and building into their lives, forgiving others and not holding on to petty disagreements, saying things that you would want those closest to you to know, and basically loving God with all your heart.

Of course, the truth is that none of us know how long we have to live, so I vowed to do some things.

Keep my house cleaner. I know this seems trivial (and it is) but we left immediately and later I thought, "I'd hate someone to have to come in and clean it." Maybe I got this from my mom who would never leave on a vacation without the house being spotless, but sometimes I leave stuff laying around when it would only take a minute or two more to put it away.

Tell people you love them every time you talk to or see them. Mostly, I do this, but it's important to say the words that build others up rather than thinking that they know how you feel already. You never know when it might be the last time.

Slow down and enjoy each day. Sometimes I feel as if I rush through life to the next "have to" event. My schedule is not always determined by what I would like to be doing but by what's on the schedule. I know that is how life is, but I want to live more intentionally and in the present.

Write down your wishes. I have planned my own funeral. (I told Richard and the kids to buy the cheapest casket in the place as know they will hate to do that. A cheap pine box would be good for me as I'm not really there and don't want to waste good money! But I digress!) I want to write a letter to each person in my family so they will know my thoughts and last words to them.

We had just been at Brian's church the weekend before and he preached with such passion. He was a generous, caring person who loved God. I hope I leave a similar legacy. Please pray for his wife, Debbi and their three adult children - Brooke, Brandon, and Bethany.

Ministry/Marriage

I recently attended a seminar for church planter’s wives by Tricia Lovejoy and she talked about her personal struggle with devoting the energy needed to start a church and guarding their marriage. If we’re not careful we can just become “partners in ministry” instead of lovers. This is definitely easier said than done…but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

How do we go about it? (Here are some ideas she shared.)

Set limits on work time. Are you still on the Blackberry while you’re eating dinner – if you’re eating dinner together? There is ALWAYS one more thing we could do – we have to set limits.

Create outside interests to do together. I know you’re thinking, “we don’t have time to add one more thing to our busy schedules.” Sometimes wearing a different “hat” can add fun and a much-needed break. Things as simple as taking a walk, playing a game, or fishing can build more closeness in a relationship.

Establish a family night and guard it with your life. You mean Sister Mabel’s hangnail is not a true emergency?!!! Put the family night on the calendar and both commit to keeping it. Having it the same night each week establishes its importance and it becomes something to anticipate.

Limit the number of nights away from home. If we’re not careful, we can become like ships passing in the night. There is NO way to build a good marriage if you don’t even see each other. It may mean getting creative with meetings and appointments, but it’s worth it.

Make time with friends. Women need girl friends – to laugh, shop, and eat. (three of my favorite things!) Take time also to do fun things as a couple with other couples.

Tricia said, “The healthiest thing you can give your church is a healthy marriage.” A marriage is never an island to itself; many people are affected by the failure or success of a marriage. We must protect our marriages from the things that could tear it apart.

Critical people

I could see it in her face and in the way she walked as she approached me - I was about to get it! Dear Ms. So and So had a complaint - she didn't like the way the kids got out of Sunday school early or she thought the music was too loud last week or she was surprised to find no bulletin this week. It was always something...

Maybe she's joined your church now... how do you handle criticism from people?

First, I would consider the source. It's important to understand who is doing the criticizing. Is this a person who is always criticizing or someone who rarely does?
I would treat what is said differently. If a chronic criticizer (CC for short) approaches me, I brace myself and take what she says with a grain of salt and try to let it roll off my back. Most CC's have their own problems and won't be happy anywhere. I listen and go on my way. I try not to take it personally. Saying a prayer for her couldn't hurt either.

Is this a person who is involved or someone who is an armchair quarterback? If this is someone who sits on the sidelines and criticizes the rest of us trying to do our best, I gently (and with one of my fake smiles) suggest that she get involved in being part of the solution. If she's complaining about the children running around the church, I suggest she think of a solution - maybe she could gather them together for a small snack between services, etc.

I've also used a similar tactic when people come to me complaining/feigning concern about other people. I immediately ask them, "I'm sure they need your prayers. Are you willing to commit to praying for them every day for the next month?" That usually shuts them up and I suggest that we pray together right then for that person.

CC's can wear you down if you let them (and believe me, it's hard not to). Limiting our time with them (besides not going to church) is wise.

CC's create a weariness that can make serving the Lord a chore. (If you can never do it right, why bother to try?!)

Oswald Chambers said,
"Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men: His obedience brought the outcome of the saving of men. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and will soon come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a doormat."

I find I can deal with people better when I'm closely walking with God. If I'm trying to do what He thinks is important (and this comes by spending time with Him to hear that), then I can deal with criticism better. (In my mind, I think, "I'm doing what God wants and if you don't like it, you can lump it! - does this show I have a long way to go?)

If we are doing what we are doing for HIM, then what others think will matter less. I've told myself this when I've done something for people and they didn't even say thank you. Ultimately, it is God we are trying to please; He sees and will reward accordingly.

Having said that, what if the criticism comes from someone I consider a godly person? Then I feel grateful - grateful that they felt close enough to confide their true feelings to me (people rarely do- they talk to other people behind your back). There is a kernel of truth in most of what is said. I can grow (and can help my church grow) if I can find that truth and see if there needs to be change.

Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.
(Proverbs 15:4 The Message)

Again, I would love to hear your stories or comments about how you deal with criticism.

Virtual/real relationships

Richard just recently joined Facebook so he and I were talking last night about whether more men or more women were on it and who spent the most time there. Today I got a email from Jennifer Rothschild (womensministry.net) with the following paragraphs by Amy Lively in it.

"The women in your neighborhood are likely to spend five hours and 24 minutes each month following their Facebook friends.

Facebook has replaced face-to-face, heart-to-heart conversations. We tweet instead of talk. Our electronic disconnect means we're "friends" without being friendly. Our status updates are witty and cute, with pictures of our darling children and amazing vacations. It's entirely possible to have an impossibly long list of virtual friends, yet there's no one to look into your eyes and see your pain, your sorrow or your joy. Women are starved for personal attention, meaningful relationships and purposeful lives.

Your neighborhood is a convenient, comfortable and non-threatening place to invite women into relationship with you, take them by the hand, and walk with them to the
throne of grace where they can meet their Savior.

Do you know your neighbors?

* How many of your neighbors could you greet by name?
* When was the last time you shared a meal with a neighbor?
* How do you serve your neighbors?
* If you needed help, could you call a neighbor?
* Do your neighbors call you when they need a stick of butter?
* What is your next door neighbor's most pressing need?

No detailed demographic studies are needed for your own neighborhood: inside every home are women who are hurting and hungering for the Lord. Their common need is to know Christ, and their common denominator is they live near you, a woman with a passion for loving them like Jesus."

Now, I certainly don't think it's wrong to spend time on Facebook, but her challenge stirred my thinking....

How well do I know my neighbors? Am I intentionally building relationships with them? Immediately I thought of some excuses....

First, I tend to think that my neighbors are too busy - too (fill in the blank) to desire a relationship with me. Even though I am busy, I need meaningful relationships with other women - so I guess this is not a good excuse.

Second, the fear of rejection is huge! What if I knock on their door and invite them over and they say, "Not interested!" That would be a big blow to my shaky self-esteem.

Third, how do you go about this? I taught a Bible study in my home many years ago for neighborhood women in another state, but haven't done it here. Now it seems that everyone pulls up to their house, opens their garage door- from the car, and cocoons inside. If you have any ideas on making/building friendships with neighbors, please leave a post with your idea.

Powerful prayers

Do you find it as hard I as do to find the balance between supporting your adult children and letting them make their own choices? (Wouldn't it be great if we could continue making choices for them?)

My youngest son, Justin, gave me the book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, by Stormie Omartian for Christmas. I have used her other books in my personal prayer time and found them to be very helpful. (She combines Bible verses into a prayer.) Stormie says that there is no such thing as perfect parents, but we can be powerful pray-ers when we combine praying and God's Word.


Here are some of the chapter headings---

Pray that your adult children will:
see God pour out His Spirit on them
develop a heart for God, His Word, and His ways
grow in wisdom, discernment, and revelation
understand God's purpose for their lives
have a sound mind and right attitude
maintain strong and fulfilling relationships
be protected and survive tough times

These (and more) are all things I want for my adult children! Knowing that God is far more capable of handling whatever comes their way and inviting Him to work in their lives helps me to stay sane. Praying these prayers gives me confidence and hope that God will do amazing things in my children's lives this year.


Richard and I with our four children- Nathan, Jared, Rachel, Justin


We added a new member to our family this past June, Rachel, Nathan's wife