Ministry/Marriage

I recently attended a seminar for church planter’s wives by Tricia Lovejoy and she talked about her personal struggle with devoting the energy needed to start a church and guarding their marriage. If we’re not careful we can just become “partners in ministry” instead of lovers. This is definitely easier said than done…but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

How do we go about it? (Here are some ideas she shared.)

Set limits on work time. Are you still on the Blackberry while you’re eating dinner – if you’re eating dinner together? There is ALWAYS one more thing we could do – we have to set limits.

Create outside interests to do together. I know you’re thinking, “we don’t have time to add one more thing to our busy schedules.” Sometimes wearing a different “hat” can add fun and a much-needed break. Things as simple as taking a walk, playing a game, or fishing can build more closeness in a relationship.

Establish a family night and guard it with your life. You mean Sister Mabel’s hangnail is not a true emergency?!!! Put the family night on the calendar and both commit to keeping it. Having it the same night each week establishes its importance and it becomes something to anticipate.

Limit the number of nights away from home. If we’re not careful, we can become like ships passing in the night. There is NO way to build a good marriage if you don’t even see each other. It may mean getting creative with meetings and appointments, but it’s worth it.

Make time with friends. Women need girl friends – to laugh, shop, and eat. (three of my favorite things!) Take time also to do fun things as a couple with other couples.

Tricia said, “The healthiest thing you can give your church is a healthy marriage.” A marriage is never an island to itself; many people are affected by the failure or success of a marriage. We must protect our marriages from the things that could tear it apart.

Critical people

I could see it in her face and in the way she walked as she approached me - I was about to get it! Dear Ms. So and So had a complaint - she didn't like the way the kids got out of Sunday school early or she thought the music was too loud last week or she was surprised to find no bulletin this week. It was always something...

Maybe she's joined your church now... how do you handle criticism from people?

First, I would consider the source. It's important to understand who is doing the criticizing. Is this a person who is always criticizing or someone who rarely does?
I would treat what is said differently. If a chronic criticizer (CC for short) approaches me, I brace myself and take what she says with a grain of salt and try to let it roll off my back. Most CC's have their own problems and won't be happy anywhere. I listen and go on my way. I try not to take it personally. Saying a prayer for her couldn't hurt either.

Is this a person who is involved or someone who is an armchair quarterback? If this is someone who sits on the sidelines and criticizes the rest of us trying to do our best, I gently (and with one of my fake smiles) suggest that she get involved in being part of the solution. If she's complaining about the children running around the church, I suggest she think of a solution - maybe she could gather them together for a small snack between services, etc.

I've also used a similar tactic when people come to me complaining/feigning concern about other people. I immediately ask them, "I'm sure they need your prayers. Are you willing to commit to praying for them every day for the next month?" That usually shuts them up and I suggest that we pray together right then for that person.

CC's can wear you down if you let them (and believe me, it's hard not to). Limiting our time with them (besides not going to church) is wise.

CC's create a weariness that can make serving the Lord a chore. (If you can never do it right, why bother to try?!)

Oswald Chambers said,
"Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men: His obedience brought the outcome of the saving of men. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and will soon come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a doormat."

I find I can deal with people better when I'm closely walking with God. If I'm trying to do what He thinks is important (and this comes by spending time with Him to hear that), then I can deal with criticism better. (In my mind, I think, "I'm doing what God wants and if you don't like it, you can lump it! - does this show I have a long way to go?)

If we are doing what we are doing for HIM, then what others think will matter less. I've told myself this when I've done something for people and they didn't even say thank you. Ultimately, it is God we are trying to please; He sees and will reward accordingly.

Having said that, what if the criticism comes from someone I consider a godly person? Then I feel grateful - grateful that they felt close enough to confide their true feelings to me (people rarely do- they talk to other people behind your back). There is a kernel of truth in most of what is said. I can grow (and can help my church grow) if I can find that truth and see if there needs to be change.

Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.
(Proverbs 15:4 The Message)

Again, I would love to hear your stories or comments about how you deal with criticism.

Virtual/real relationships

Richard just recently joined Facebook so he and I were talking last night about whether more men or more women were on it and who spent the most time there. Today I got a email from Jennifer Rothschild (womensministry.net) with the following paragraphs by Amy Lively in it.

"The women in your neighborhood are likely to spend five hours and 24 minutes each month following their Facebook friends.

Facebook has replaced face-to-face, heart-to-heart conversations. We tweet instead of talk. Our electronic disconnect means we're "friends" without being friendly. Our status updates are witty and cute, with pictures of our darling children and amazing vacations. It's entirely possible to have an impossibly long list of virtual friends, yet there's no one to look into your eyes and see your pain, your sorrow or your joy. Women are starved for personal attention, meaningful relationships and purposeful lives.

Your neighborhood is a convenient, comfortable and non-threatening place to invite women into relationship with you, take them by the hand, and walk with them to the
throne of grace where they can meet their Savior.

Do you know your neighbors?

* How many of your neighbors could you greet by name?
* When was the last time you shared a meal with a neighbor?
* How do you serve your neighbors?
* If you needed help, could you call a neighbor?
* Do your neighbors call you when they need a stick of butter?
* What is your next door neighbor's most pressing need?

No detailed demographic studies are needed for your own neighborhood: inside every home are women who are hurting and hungering for the Lord. Their common need is to know Christ, and their common denominator is they live near you, a woman with a passion for loving them like Jesus."

Now, I certainly don't think it's wrong to spend time on Facebook, but her challenge stirred my thinking....

How well do I know my neighbors? Am I intentionally building relationships with them? Immediately I thought of some excuses....

First, I tend to think that my neighbors are too busy - too (fill in the blank) to desire a relationship with me. Even though I am busy, I need meaningful relationships with other women - so I guess this is not a good excuse.

Second, the fear of rejection is huge! What if I knock on their door and invite them over and they say, "Not interested!" That would be a big blow to my shaky self-esteem.

Third, how do you go about this? I taught a Bible study in my home many years ago for neighborhood women in another state, but haven't done it here. Now it seems that everyone pulls up to their house, opens their garage door- from the car, and cocoons inside. If you have any ideas on making/building friendships with neighbors, please leave a post with your idea.

Powerful prayers

Do you find it as hard I as do to find the balance between supporting your adult children and letting them make their own choices? (Wouldn't it be great if we could continue making choices for them?)

My youngest son, Justin, gave me the book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, by Stormie Omartian for Christmas. I have used her other books in my personal prayer time and found them to be very helpful. (She combines Bible verses into a prayer.) Stormie says that there is no such thing as perfect parents, but we can be powerful pray-ers when we combine praying and God's Word.


Here are some of the chapter headings---

Pray that your adult children will:
see God pour out His Spirit on them
develop a heart for God, His Word, and His ways
grow in wisdom, discernment, and revelation
understand God's purpose for their lives
have a sound mind and right attitude
maintain strong and fulfilling relationships
be protected and survive tough times

These (and more) are all things I want for my adult children! Knowing that God is far more capable of handling whatever comes their way and inviting Him to work in their lives helps me to stay sane. Praying these prayers gives me confidence and hope that God will do amazing things in my children's lives this year.


Richard and I with our four children- Nathan, Jared, Rachel, Justin


We added a new member to our family this past June, Rachel, Nathan's wife

Caring for the sick

When people in our churches and neighborhoods are sick or going through a hard time, what an opportunity we have to help. Not only are the ones being helped encouraged, but the ones doing the helping are blessed also.

A couple of ideas:

Arrange for women to take food or baby sit or help out in any way possible. Ask: What can we do to help you this week? Some women are reluctant to ask for or even receive help, so be persistent in your offers and caring.

Offer to take them for doctor's visits or treatment.

There is a nonprofit foundation that offers free housecleaning (1 time per month for four months) for women undergoing chemotherapy.
If you know any woman currently undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, please encourage her to go to the website - http://www.cleaningforareason.org and fill out an application. Cleaning for a Reason will have a participating maid service in her zip code area arrange for the service. They have 609 cleaning partners in the US and Canada.

Your kindness will never be forgotten and may open the door to other ministry.

Christmas gifts

It's almost Christmas and do you find yourself doubting? Oh, not about the birth of Jesus because we know and trust the story recorded in the Bible. I'm talking about thoughts such as:

Did I really get enough for that person? Will they be happy with what I gave them? What about the neighbors or mail carrier? What if someone gives us a gift and I don't have one for them? Maybe I should add another meat or dessert for the meal. What if I run out of food?

Thoughts such as these can ruin the good planning and work I've already done. It causes me to dash out into the cold cruel stores to buy and spend more than I had planned to (for which I will be sorry in January when the bill arrives)! Why do I buy into the idea that Christmas is about gifts and spend so much of my time and worry on that aspect of Christmas?!

Yes, Christmas IS about giving, after all God gave us the best gift He had so we could have life. But I must keep it all in perspective and not get so caught up in giving physical gifts that I neglect the true meaning of Christmas. How about a personal letter written to each member of the family to share what you love and appreciate about them? I have a friend who writes a poem sharing her feelings about the highlights of the year with each family member. These are cherished gifts that cost nothing. (Of course, that would mean I have to sit down and think and who has time for that?!)

One year my husband suggested that we get all the Christmas shopping done early and have the entire week before Christmas to be together and enjoy each other's company. We read Christmas stories each night and played games. That was one of the best Christmases we had. Giving ourselves may be the best gift of all.

I hope this Christmas is a happy one for you and your family.

Shopping and waiting

Yesterday I was in the store and I saw a lady shopping with her two children. She was joyful - so I paid attention. She sang along with the store music - she spoke respectfully to her kids - she asked their opinion. While we were waiting at the dressing room, she smiled and spoke to me. This made me think about others that I see in the store - rushing around, growling at the clerks, yelling at their kids. (I do know kids bring out the worst in you at the checkout by the candy!)

It made me think about the kind of person I am when I'm out shopping. Am I joyful? Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I angry? Am I snippy? Am I caring to others? Am I so focused on what I'm doing that I don't even notice others?

When Jesus went from place to place, He was always connecting with people. While he was waiting for food, He spoke to the woman by the well. While He was walking by a funeral procession, He saw a mother's sadness and comforted her. While He was waiting to speak, He lifted some children to His lap and loved on them. While waiting for His disciples to finish fishing, He made them breakfast.

I'm not a good wait-er - I don't like to wait- in fact, I even hate to wait at the microwave! But what if I used those times of waiting - in the checkout line, at the dressing room, sitting in the doctor's office, waiting in the carpool line... to connect with people. What if I prayed for waiting opportunities (that might be a bit much!) and looked for chances to care for and bring joy to others? What if I prayed for the people in the car next to me while I waited at the traffic light? Who knows what might happen?